Echo in NYC

Musing into the void

Mental Health Awareness Day

CW: Depression, self harm thoughts, institutionalization, trauma

I suffer from severe chronic depression. It’s something I’ve had since early childhood, and I struggle with to this day and probably will till the day I die.

In childhood I had some really bad episodes, and have been institutionalized twice, the first time for at least a month when I was an adolescent (my memory is hazy). I’ve tried a list of drugs as long as your arm, and suffered some horrifying side effects. I’m traumatized as shit, and sometimes I am shocked I’ve managed to make it this far without hurting myself more.

The scary thing about depression is how easy it can get. The more it happens the quicker your brain jumps to sad mode, or worse nothing at all. How a trigger can send you into a state of tears and despair with little rhyme or reason.

I’ve learned to express myself and channel my endless pit of loneliness and despair into ways that are healthier. I found ways to be cognizant of the people around me, even as part of me is in agony. It’s taken a lot of hurt of myself and others along the way, and I regret that.

I’m saying all this not for the pity though. I’m not here to be a victim. I’m here to say that despite all this bullshit, despite all this pain, I live a fulfilled and happy life, or as happy as it can be.

To those of y’all out there suffering in silence, to those who can’t get out of bed some days. I see you. I can’t say that things are going to be fixed, but things can still be okay or even good.

And I think that makes it worth staying for.

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