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Musings

Responsibility

I feel like I have a lot of responsibilities nowadays.

Rather, I feel like I have new responsibilities. I’ve always had to deal with work, taking care of my cat, my body (hydrate or diedrate!).

But nowadays, I have more going on. Sure, there’s the element of representation; I’m trans, and I need to think about my actions in the wider context of the community.

Beyond that though, there’s also the flip side of being visible. Recently was Pride weekend I kept on having this conversation:

Them: “Ugh, you are so queer!”
Me: “Well, I’ve only been really identifying as queer for about two years now.”
Them: “WHAT NO WAY”

But… it’s true. I keep on feeling that I’m way out of my depth, and people are looking up to me in ways I don’t know how to respond to. I’ve had multiple instances of people coming out to me as trans, asking for advice and resources.

I’ve also had folks tell me I am the queerest person they know, which… halp?

Despite all that, I apparently manage to be vaguely helpful, though my imposter syndrome is pretty strong.

Another interesting aspect is that as I’ve gotten involved in various communities and activism, my presence is accepted and I get more authority. This is deeply peculiar for me, as it’s both familiar territory of taking a lead in a project, and also organizing something way out of my comfort zone.

Authority is a strange mantle. As I grow older and get more involved in things, I find that it’s granted to me because I act decisively instead of having any special knowledge or experience.

My point here is, I suppose: If you want to make a change, don’t be afraid about your lack of knowledge, just try and do the best you can.

On the other hand though: Don’t be afraid to question authority. They often have no idea what they are doing, or what’s best for people, and better to speak out than assume things will be okay.