CW: Mental health, depression.
I suffer from depression. It’s not a fun experience, let me assure you.
I’m not really going to go into what depression is, since I assume you, random Internet person, vaguely know about it, assuming you don’t have it yourself.
It’s awful. So often I find myself looking to do something only to find some part of me doesn’t have the ability to get out of bed, or to sit there and cry, or to hate myself.
I think of it in terms of spirals and wells.
A spiral is where a train of thought becomes a reinforcing sorrow ride, and I become trapped in this tear-drenched game of Chutes and Ladders where the ladders are all broken. While I’m spiraling I feel like I’m trapped in a storm, helpless before the horrible thoughts and feelings that wash through me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even there, disassociating to watch my body cry while my mind sits there, puzzled. I can sometimes reach out, but mostly it’s a cryptic Facebook post or pinging a friend asking how they are. Sometimes I’m afraid to say how I am, because I don’t want to admit how bad things can be.
A well is a deep pit you stumble into. Tragically my cat isn’t a very helpful Lassie, so I’m there till I manage to escape. Wells are paralysis, are being unable to move but not sobbing or sad per se, just… stuck. They happen more often to me nowadays, and I haven’t quite figured out what to do about them. I don’t know how to reach out to people when I’m in a well. Or sometimes I don’t realize I’m in one, I just feel I’m tired or want to get into bed for whatever reason.
Both are dangerous in their own ways. Spirals are more dramatic, but both disrupt plans, hurt relationships, and leave cuts in my soul that I don’t know how to heal.
Transition definitely affected things. I’m more emotional, more easily depressed, more volatile. But also I can feel such joy, and my life has changed so much for the better. I’m more me, both the good and bad, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.
I wish I had something to tell you. But to quote one of my favorite bands:
I’ve wracked my brain with clever sayings of all the things you ought to do
Icon For Hire, Under The Knife
But you know I think if there was something I could say
They would’ve thrown it on a brochure and sent you on your way